Sneaky Depression

My last real blog post was written back in November. Since then Barry and I have split and I have moved into my own apartment.

It feels weird being alone. In fact, I really don't like it. I feel like I should have all this extra time to do "what I want". And I could write a list of what I "want" to do:

Write more blog posts.
Grow the Massachusetts NAP.
Start sewing again.
Scrapbook.
Get back into my photography.
Read books that I've had on my list for months and years.
Get off my ass and exercise - I'd like to be able to run a 5K.

And yet, I haven't done anything. I don't feel like I do anything productive. I congratulate myself if I run a load of dishes. If I end up with some free time in the evening I just end up going to bed. I tell myself I should read, but I just can't bring myself to pick up the book.

In the past several months I have started multiple blog posts, but midway through the thought process fizzles and it just sits there in my drafts.

I have so many supplies for sewing and scrapbooking, but they sit boxed up. Unpacking them so that they would be usable just seems overwhelming. Also, my life has been so messed up the past couple of years that I don't feel like I have any photographs TO scrapbook.

Last year I was on cymbalta for depression for a good portion of the year and it was needed. I eventually felt well enough to get off of it. Cymbalta is a difficult drug to wean yourself off of - it took me about 2 months to get off of it.

Sadly, it looks like I will be starting back on it. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed of having depression and needing to take a prescription to keep it under control, but there's a real stigma to mental illnesses. By sharing my experience, I am hoping that others will feel safer in coming forward and talking about it. At the least, perhaps they will bring up how they're feeling with their doctors.

I'd like to look forward to seeing friends - instead of sitting at home - later kicking myself for not going.

At the moment, if I do have plans, it takes a lot of mental preparation to actually follow through with them. I have to talk myself out of just staying home and going to bed. It's a constant battle - and a battle I'm determined to win.

I am glad that I have noticed the signs earlier this time - lack of interest in hobbies, avoiding people, emotional eating, and constant exhaustion - it should be easier to get it back under control. At the moment it's mild and there's no way I want to be back to where I was at this time last year. So back to the drugs it is!

Anyway, this probably wasn't a subject you were expecting to read, but it's a subject that needs to be talked about.